Journal Entry- All my Strength, All my Love

I do not remember pain like this since Scarlet’s trial in the sands of Lok. What I feel now, makes me yearn for the heat, the barrenness…but not what I had to do. That is something I wish never to visit again. This time instead of blindness like before, my senses seem numbed. Perhaps they shut down or were turned down…Some sort of self-defense mechanism. Thankfully, even with my eyes closed, I can still sense Scarlet next to me. She seems to be getting stronger. The pain and fear is still there, but she is getting stronger…Last night she was strong enough to sit up. She wanted to turn and look at the unit in which Meela would grow and live. Avios came in, alerted to the sudden change in Scarlet’s heartbeat at her exertion sitting up. I smiled at him. He has had to endure a lot for us, for me; too much in fact. A son should not have to keep watch over his father and a woman he loves that is not his mother. It must be difficult, but there seems to be no animosity there. He is a good son, better than I deserve. I raised my hand to quiet him, to indicate Scarlet was too fatigued for his technical explainations. He understood with no words, smiling and nodding to me as he returned to the instruments.

Avios keeps fretting over my EKG reading. He says it is returning to what he would consider close to normal. Apparently my run in with the pendant did more damage internally than imagined…It was a darkness never seen before. It was impossible to defend against such a powerful force…I am lucky all I am left with is a numbness of my senses. For some reason, it seems it could have very easily been worse. I need to speak to Frysheka, perhaps she can offer some advice. Blocking what I know has always been easy...even the Inquisitor. He does not even notice me snooping…

When Scarlet becomes restless I try to soothe her. It is becoming more and more difficult to mask my fear and concern from her. I try to radiate the warmth of my love to her as I look into her eyes, and tenderly rub her belly…I whisper my love to her as she sleeps, hoping she hears me while visiting a more peaceful place…a prayer to the unknown, wishing her strength of will and strength of body:

Scarlet, my TaiShan, my love, my strength…
Sleep a peaceful sleep
Dream a restful dream
May your dreams dance of images so peaceful, and full of love
Think of us standing upon a hill, looking down on your temple
Smell the pure clean smell of the impending rain storm
See our child play along with Meela, and her father, Deomo
Hear us chuckle as they tackle him to the ground, tickling him, making the proud Zabrak Warrior laugh aloud
Touch my hand as we smile at each other, our eyes full of love

Journal Entry- Dream or Reality?

I awoke suddenly, startled from a dream. Reaching for my FWG5, a hand pushed me back down…why am I so weak?

“Shh…you won’t find your pistol, I took it, and you need to rest.”

I looked up and began to rage against the person holding me down.

“Father, stop…”

“Avios…Avios what the kark? Where am I what happened? Give me my pistol, NOW!!!”

“Dad, rest, I do not know what all you have been through, your EKG reading is chaotic, you need to relax. Scarlet, she is not well. I will need your help. We all need you to be strong.”

Scarlet!!! TaiShan!!! *feral*

*calm*

“Give me my pistol.”

“You mean this pistol?” Avios swing his arm behind him, then quickly brought has hand in front of him, spinning the pistol so that the handle was facing me.

*smile, pride* “Show off.”

“Relax Dad. I am going to go rest now. Dr. Narheen will take the next shift to monitor Scarlet.”

“Son, thank you, and…never take my gun from me again.” *smile*

As I became more aware of my surroundings, the headache grew. A dull throbbing emanated from my skull. The memories slowly began to creep back…

A saw a dull black, cloudy image; both menacing and frightful to Scarlet. An essence of Deomo was there as well. A warmth in my hand…Meela…Why? Why am I holding her in front of Deomo? I do not want this. Then the darkness shifted and turned them…Having handed Meela to Scarlet I approached and was knocked down. My mind shuddered. I could not focus. Then Meela struck at the darkness. Gods the child!!! Scarlet!!! The darkness cringed back…That is it, she is the key…I stumbled to my feet and approached the darkness again. It pounced on me as I was clearly the weakest antagonist at that point. It struck another blow. As I was shoved away from all of them, I remember begging Meela to strike again as its focus was on me. She did. Pure feral rage lashed out with a sword of the Force at the darkness. I remember smiling as the once fearsome thing faltered before a mere child. Then….nothing…blackness.

I remember leter being startled by a weak cry from Scarlet. Gods she was hurt, in pain, distressed, non-responsive.
*feral*
I focused on the feral instinct urging me to protect my mate. Perhaps not the mother of my child, but at least, for now, my soul-mate. The rage radiated from my body, but it was focused into sheer resolve. I forced myself to stand…Scarlet was before me, passed out, laying in a pool of blood…Gods what had happened?? Without hesitating, I wrapped her in my cloak and scooped her into my arms. I ran from the Temple and to the Lab…Arriving at the door I hesitated a moment…Did I just run 200m carrying Scarlet? The thought was fleeting. I quickly entered and yelled, “At ease!!” as the guard approached me. I ran down stairs to Dr. Narheen and laid Scarlet on the bed…

Beyond that is a blur of blood, fear, and panic. I did what was asked of me by both my son and Narheen…I am only a novice medic, I hope…I hope I did not fail her…

Then…Everything was fine…Scarlet weakly reached to me across the bond, the doctor and Avios cleaned up as I sat…I could not move. My body was numb…

How long have I been sleep…ing? How looon…… *sleep*

Journal Entry-Failed Duty, End Game

I think I have failed her. In my absence she was almost lost, as was Meela. The poor child…When the pendant called, she went running towards it thinking it was her father. With the feral so strong in this one, I would have thought her instincts would have been more perceptive. Even on the most basic of levels, that deep animalistic undercurrent that we all have allows us, one would think, to recognize our true parents at any age. I hope I helped somewhat. As much as I hate to I had to reach for her. She must recognize me if I am to protect them from the pendant should Deomo fail with his battle.

The uneasiness radiating from Scarlet is shredding my insides. I have done all I can, it does not seem to be enough. I wanted her to visit the lab in its current state. While painful, I do not want the first time she sees the lab to be when she is about to go under the knife…Hopefully this will make her a bit more calm with what will happen. I know it was unpleasant for her. I watched as she slowly approached the incubation tube and lightly touched the glass…She did not see it, but a tear escaped my eye. The pain was apparent; I turned to her, offering my open arms to her. No words were needed; she just needed someone to hold her up. I gladly did.

I knew when she looked up at me, that she needed to get out. I was already turning when she said it. Seeing the stairs, I turned back around. Instead of offering her a hand or a shoulder to lean on, I scooped her up to carry her up the stairs. My first thought was to take her to Hendola, no she cannot travel now, not in this state. We returned to the temple. She was drained.

I tried reaching for Meela. I am consumed with concern for the both of them and that karking pendant. I tried to show Meela how to hide, how to go to her mother if she was afraid…She did not recognize fear yet. Scarlet would not let me…I...Do not think I could have if she had allowed it. In fear she threw up a wall against me. Gods, it was so weak, she is so weak right now…

I closed my eyes and focused on our bond. With my mind I weaved a wall around her, protecting her and Meela. I pointed her to the door, showed her the key. She was scared, felt trapped. It was all instinctive; I had never approached doing anything like that before, with anyone. Scarlet felt trapped, I reminded her a wall was not a wall when it had a door wide open. I reminded her that she held the key, as did I. We can control who is allowed in. She will control…I would not dare to do more than I already have.

I worry that she feels I am being too intrusive, that I am pushing too much…At times, people need that, even her…Even Deomo. Scarlet is pushing him to learn to fight the pendant. I have had to push Scarlet so that she would have to face reality. Gods I wish it wasn’t so…Duty… *anger*

If it means her life, I will push all I can. If I loose her, push her away from me, if it means her life…

*despair*

I will not hesitate.

Journal Entry- Duty

Duty…One person’s duty used to be the bane of my existence. His blind devotion to an ideal that was not fully comprehended…He believed what he was told because he had too. A second thought was never given, an order was an order…The pain and destruction created was no cause for a pause. Quite possibly, they haunted him at night, but who among us does not have those demons?

I find myself faced with duty again…Stuck half way across the galaxy, unable to return…A slave to the whim of the admiral of this vessel. A more important Duty awaits me on Dantooine. The daughter of the man who once tormented me, and chalked it doing his duty, is dependent upon my success. My love, my Tai’Shan’s life, also is balanced along the blade of Fate. A slip either way, and all will be lost. I can sense her pain and distress across our bond. It has me restless. Already, I have sent four troopers to the infirmary, spent 3 nights in the brig, and…well…I don’t think I’ll mention the other…what the Admiral doesn’t know, won’t hurt him…

Everything is in place once I am able to return. I will have to try and remember my engineering skills so I may follow the schematics I…Acquired, to make the lab. I will have to relocate the doctor as well.

Deomo should be made aware of my plans as well. Hopefully Scarlet has spoken to him. Hopefully she has the strength to help him prepare for his battle with the pendant…Soon I will return, I promise Tai’shan, and you will have all my strength to help you.

Journal Entry- Fate Sets its eye on Ebe

I watched her run around Theed, creating distance form her opponent…Just enough to turn and fire her T21, only to begin running again. The poor wookie did not know what he was standing up against. I had just knocked him out for having asked Ebe if she was given beads, would she flash him. He never saw envy hiding in the shadows of the building. They never do. *smirk* You would think he would have remembered after I had killed the smuggler that recognized me, and tried to sell me spice. Karking reputation…

I wonder what Fate has in store for Ebe? Our lives have, and will always be intertwined. Throughout all of our trials in life, our feelings for each other have always been there. Love? Yes, it is, I cannot fool myself. Perhaps I understand Scarlet’s pain with loving two at once now. Although in this case, my heart belongs to Scarlet, and Ebe knows this.

I often thought of, how would I live should I have to let Scarlet go to Deomo…I had concluded that some of Scarlet’s heart would be better than none. Perhaps she is feeling the same way. I wish there was something I could do. My heart aches seeing her consumed by so much conflict.

Perhaps I should ask Ebe if she would help look for Tempestia, or possibly, help Elca with Kayon. I was recently contacted by a friend of Tempestia’s. He said she had given him her comm. and that he should contact me should anything happen. Interesting…I know we had shared many loud unruly nights in the Theed cantina together…however never…hmm, did either of us go home with the other. She did keep me out of trouble when the feral was strong with me and I was fighting the Taishan bond with Scarlet, not yet recognizing it for what it was…I am concerned. I have still not heard anything. Maybe Ebe could contact Elca, find some slaver contacts. I know Tempestia was once a slave as well. Perhaps…Gods, perhaps she was captured in one of the spacing lanes.

However…After my most recent talk with Ebe, perhaps she should speak with Elca, *smiles* and her friends.

Journal Entry- Doctor's and their Oath

I spoke with Dr. Narheen a length. Perhaps we have come to an agreement. As much as I hate to be dependant on her, we both know that I am. If she proves to be trustworthy, she may yet live. The doctor does have some benevolent ideas to help the Zabrak race. Perhaps through genetic engineering, the problems Scarlet is having because of her birth on her home planet, and its radiation, may be eliminated. While that is all well and good, it is not a concern of mine now. I want Scarlet safe. I want Meela safe. If that requires putting Meela into stasis and growing her rapidly in an incubator, then so be it. Deomo must be made to understand. Undoubtedly this will be difficult. He does not trust me, and I am sure does not trust this stranger of a doctor. Scarlet will have to tell him. I will only enrage him as I always seem to do.

The plans will be in my hands by nightfall for the lab. Hopefully, my…contacts will have located the other equipment the doctor requested. Scarlet fell asleep on my ship, exhausted from the short jaunt to the spaceport. After speaking with Dr. Narheen at some length, I escorted her back to my quarters and secured the hatch. I went to check on Scarlet. She laid there sleeping a peaceful sleep. No, I am not selfish enough to wake her. *smiled* I sat on the bed next to her’s and watched. I wonder if this is what she does to me when I sleep. I watched her chest heave with each slow, even breath. It is clear why she likes doing this to me. Sitting here sharing this peaceful moment with her…It has been too long for us. I miss this time. Reluctantly I returned to my bridge and set a course for Dantooine to take her back to the temple to sleep. I placed her lightly at the foot of the bed as she hates to be in a bed or on any furniture. I touched her shoulder lightly as I left…I thought of reaching for Meela, to hug her goodnight…but no, it is not my place to do so. She has a father…and I am not it. *slight despair*

Journal Entry- Loose Ends

**Remember: this is written in Maxell's personal journal on his person.**
I know he needs her strength right now, what little she has to offer. He has his own demons to fight, and none of us will truly be safe until he has either won his battle, or succumbed to the pendant. Once he is lost, my manacles will be removed and he will be dealt with appropriately. I will not have That Evil take Scarlet or his child either. If he is lost I think he would want it this way. As long as he is able to be the good father that he must for that child, then he will be welcomed around her mother. I think now, he is…

If only he would now learn to think for himself and not trust blindly in that damned emblem on his sleeve. He does not realize how close he was too loosing them both. No more, Deomo, Scarlet, their child are all safe. I do not care if he knows what I did or not. His anger and blind rage did not even allow him to trust me. It was almost ruined. Luckily he made no mention of the scent of blood as he passed. The poor woman, she did not know what she had done would sign a death sentence for herself…

*flash!!!*
"You!! Will never touch my TaiShan again!!!"
I feel her bones snap in my hand as I wrench her head to the side. For good measure I ensure she doesn't scream and has a big, wide smile with my knife as she dies...My eyes widen as the scent of the blood hits my nostrils *feral* Luckily most of it is in the airlock, easy cleanup, most will be wiped clean from the vacuum of space.

*rage*
*flash!!!*
*laughs* and the nurse...Poor wretch. Use my Taishan for your career? Use your children for experimentation? Ha!!! Death would be too easy, I think I will play with this one, take what is most valuable, her career...She will be discredited and ostracize from her field. Then, perhaps, I will send some friends after her...To toy with her as she dies.

*flash!!!*
*calm*
The other one, well we still have more to talk about. I have enough to begin construction. A suitable place needs to be located so I can start; an architect will also need to be found. Gods, I need to tell Scar'let, and Deomo. Not until his fight with the pendant is over with. He will need access to the energy of his child to anchor him to reality if he is to have a chance to fight the pendant. Once Scar'let and the child are;I just do not know what he will feel. What any of us will feel. One thing is for sure. Avios has confirmed Dr. Narheen's assessment: Scar'let will not be able to carry the child to term. Both she and the child may perish as a result of the Zabrak physiology as it relates to child-birth. I cannot allow that. Making Deomo understand will be no small task. My only choice is to tell Scar'let and have her tell Deomo when the time comes. Once he has battled the pendant, not before.

She must also speak to him about that fight. I tried to tell her last night, but could not bring myself to doing it. If she is attacked by the pendant I will do all in my power to protect her. Can I severe his bond with Scar’let? If it means saving her, or the child I will not hesitate. I hope Deomo is made to understand my motivations are not out of malice towards him. Without her I feel I would descend into a darker place than he has been. She gives me direction where there is none. She makes me want to be a better man. She is everything.

Origin of Avios-Part I

“What? That was you, that couldn’t have been you. Why did you not tell me until now?” My mind tried to remember our time together.
“Remember? In boot…Long black hair? Took all the boys’ credits betting at the rifle range? Took out the Darkwings on my own…”

Oh Gods her!!! It all came flooding back into my mind. A scrappy refugee from a ship had joined our battalion in boot camp. The others tried to pick on her, and worse. There were not many females around. It is not often that someone stood up to the Darkwings.

The Darkwings were a group of punk human and Zabrak recruits. They asked for me to join, but I have never been a follower in a group. I had my own circle of friends. For some reason, they looked up to me. I never understood why. The first Darkwing to show up hurt was Samson. Samson was easily the largest of the Darkwings. He acted like their enforcer. No one had any information for the medics. We all looked on as the medics loaded him into a transport. He struggled to breathe and launched into a horrible primal scream after he turned his head and witnessed the medic holding his severed leg. None of us had seen wounds that severe. We were too new to training. We had not seen battle yet. Josh leaned to me and asked what I thought. I scanned the crowd of onlookers, looking for a clue as to what might have happened when she caught my eye. Her hair was out of compliance, interesting, how unlike this new protie. Strands were draped down over one eye. I saw a slight trickle of blood peak out from under the black of her hair. As if feeling my eyes, her head snapped to me. I kept eye contact with her. Even though she masked it on her face, I could…feel the hatred radiate off of her…Interesting…What an odd…perception to have of a person, their feelings…I motioned with my head for her to step aside out of the crowd. Josh noticed and looked at me knowingly. She frowned then defiantly turned in the direction I indicated. Josh fell in behind her then turned around, awaiting anyone that may be following. Once we were certain she had left unnoticed, I followed.

“Why did you attack him?”
She looked up at me as her eyes transitioned from hatred to fear at having been discovered.

“How? How did you know? He didn’t even know. I was so far away. It was a simple, clean shot…”

“I didn’t know. I had assumed and then you just told me.” I smiled at her, knowing she had walked into my trap. Panic spread across her face. I shook my head negatively and knelt before her, intending to look at her eye. “Someone needed to take the Darkwings down a notch. You just got to it before I could.” She looked up at me and offered a weak smile. I looked to Josh and he handed me the medpack. I tended to her bruised eye as best I could. Back then I was much more adept at healing. “Where did you get the rifle from?”

“Well, the other night I met Sgt. Sheldon at the cantina. He apparently could not stand to see a female recruit out drink him. He…left his id card at the table so I used it to gain access to the armory. The laser rifle has already been cleaned, and replaced. They will never know.”

I chuckled at the fine detail by which Ebe had carried out her plan. This is a smart one. Impressive…

“So what now Ebe?”

“That depends on the Darkwings. If they leave me alone, it is over. If Grant tries to touch me again, I will take out another one of his boys.”

I was taken aback a bit by her certainty and confidence in her statement.
“Very well, but do not underestimate the Darkwings. They have friends in high places.”

“Why the concern? Why do you even care about me?”

“I…cannot say. We have been tasked with watching you. The way you are treated by some of the others…Is intolerable. Certain, officers see promise in you. They want to be sure, you are given a fair shot.”

She stood, seeming offended.
“Sorry, but I do not need your help. I have always been able to take care of myself. Waste your time with another one of the skirts, do not concern yourself with me.” She stormed out.

“Wow, what a temper, you think she would be more grateful…Just another angry skirt. Grant will enjoy breaking that one.”

*rage*
I spun to Josh and gripped his throat in my hand, pushing him against the wall. “Never again will you speak of her in such a way. Don’t make me take you to my next class to…play with.” A wicked grin spread across my face as his eyes widen in fear of the implications my words carried. I released him and walked away. “I’m sorry.” He stood motionless rubbing his throat. “Go get some rest. The squad is going out in 0600 for maneuvers.”

Mission Report: Prisoner Transport

Mission:
Transport of Prisoner aboard Medical Frigate: Morning Star

Mission Objective:
Ensure Lt. Col. Deomo Iafik is provided adequate transportation for the relocation of a prisoner. Destination classified.

Mission Status:
Complete

Casualties:
Dr. Hafa
Dr. Narheen

Mission Summary:
Lt. Col. Deomo Iafik, and his prisoner Scar’let Firecat were delivered to the Imperial Outpost on Dantooine. While traveling through Dantooine Space, we were attacked by Rebels. Dr. Hafa was killed when a hull section collapsed under fire. Airlock doors were automatically closed, sealing the damaged area before other casualties occurred. Unfortunately the doctor was set adrift into space and perished. Because of the battle, body recovery was impossible. As the battle continued, Dr. Narheen was unfortunately crushed by falling debris. Death was instantaneous. The sight was gruesome and it was decided, due to the suspect’s fragile medical condition, that the vision of the doctor would be too traumatic. I ordered my co pilot to prepare the body for a quick space burial, and to clean the area. I am turning in all personal belongings of the doctor’s along with this report. Her medical supplies, a datapad journal, and what looks to be professional credentials were damaged and rendered useless. I had my crewman dispose of the worthless items in the ship’s incinerator.

I took the liberty of having the Morning Star repaired at the Dantooine Space station.

Dream- Visions of Fate

I stood atop a hill, armored and heaving with effort under the weight of my responsibilities. Yet I endured.

In one hand I held a sword. Finely crafted, it dripped with rage and malcontent for those that stood against it. In the other hand, a book: binding of smooth, rich leather holding gilded pages together. The beauty of the knowledge it contained is awe inspiring. It could bring those that read it tears of joy, or tears of the worst anguish imagined.

I look at both hands and marvel at the power radiating from there; each equally strong, yet containing weaponry that could not be more different. There is no rage from within. A calm coolness soothes my soul. I realize I am but a carrier of these tools. I keep them standing up, ready to dance with their foe.

*shiver*

*feral*

Woe be the fate of one that should harm these tools. While not mine to own, they are mine to protect. Anyone who should wish them ill will have their soul pulled down into the darkest pits of despair.

I see a face.

*rage*

*STARTLE!!!!*

I bolt from bed, drawing my FWG5 out from under my pillow, and take aim at the only moving object. Hmmpphh…No need to shoot Envy’s twitching tail in his sleep…I reholster the gun and sit on the end of my bed, my head in my hands, sweat soaking my forehead.

*It is time to end it…No more*

Personal Entry- Surprises

Finally, home…

I checked my comm. Messages and saw that a friend had collected my order together. I ran off to Corellia and picked it up. Outstanding!! Scar’let will be so surprised. Next stop was to swing by home. I met the mayor of Hendola and had him do a favor for me, for a friend; well obviously more than a friend but he is on a need to know basis, and frankly, he didn’t need to know the details. Better let it stay private that a rebel trooper is in love with an Imperial Officer, best for the both of us that way, for now at least.

*Taishan*

We chatted a bit then his comm. went off. Ah, the life of a mayor; one aspect of my past that I do not miss. I was sure to give him a little something extra for his efforts and for the city, something never done to me. *chuckle*

I made my way to Dantooine and the temple. During my flight, Ebe commed me, wondering if I was available to be her wingman. Stupid question, of course…We had some troubles with her mission. It took several tries, and we even called another friend. It did not go well. We were outnumbered over and over again. Luckily, Ebe’s Eject button is in good working order. As much use as she got out of it last night, she may want to have the mechanics take a peak at it to be sure it isn’t worn out. *smile* As I was cleaning up the last little bits of rebels, and ensuring the remaining squad hyper-spaced out in one piece, I received a comm. from the Imperial Navy.

Prisoner transport? What the kark? Some high and mighty Lt. Col. is escorting a prisoner to…well I better not say…what a waste of my time. To think, I haven’t even had the chance to see Scar’let yet or review the Temple's communication logs.

*Frustration*

Personal Entry- Thoughts Among the Stars

I have always relished the long assignments. Even when loved ones must be left behind, the travel time and disconnect from my life offers me a sort of peace; a time to sort things out. So much has occurred to me recently. I have lost loved ones and found new ones where I would have least expected them. I find myself having to share her heart with another, and I have accepted it as a way of life for me. Before, any threat to what I wanted would have been killed…granted the last one was a slaver, but that makes no difference. To this day I question my intentions: Was I freeing a slave or capturing a new lover for my own? That guilt will be with me until my days here are over. Perhaps that is why I have been able to have….hmmm…enough….restraint with this current situation. What I feel, only holding half her heart, is more than enough reason not to let go. My only concern is the child. Would the child be better off without me? Who could do a better job of protecting Scarlet and the child? Will he be the father that he should be? Will he allow Scarlet to choose her own path and not bully her into his? If she chooses a life without me for the child so be it. As painful as it is, if it is her choice, I will accept it. However, I will not run away from her, him, or the child. It is all her choice.

Voices from the grave call to me to answer a responsibility I promised myself I would never shoulder again, yet I stand with open arms. I find my mind planning, rumbling with thoughts about how to manage the temple and help Scarlet. I am not one for the spiritual stuff. My near catastrophic failure with Deomo taught me that. Standing behind her is still with her. My only wish is that I could be more of a help. Perhaps I can. I know of things that need to be done. Perhaps I will take them on.

I look forward to getting off of this shuttle and getting my feet back on the ground. Not having Scarlet in my life makes me feel as if I am missing a lung. I feel emptiness inside, but know that she is alright. She has Deomo to watch out for her. Soon I will be back with her. I hope that she is well enough to go hunting now. She cannot forget what she has learned of her sword work.

*TaiShan, I will be with you soon, my heart and my love yearn for your sight. Soon I can feel your soft eyes gaze upon me as your hand runs through my hair.*